I had just begun to resign myself to the idea that I wasn't going to have anymore children, with my two already in adolescence and 30 right around the corner. Why would I want to tie myself to domestication for another 10 years? I know I hadn't concerned myself with contraception so it's a little hard to claim unplanned pregnancy. So lets say not planned but not prevented. Either way, I can't pretend that this isn't what my heart has wanted for the longest time, even if I was about to give up on the idea.
Parking the car in the secluded spot we went to for a secret squirrel puff puff pass, a feeling of 'just not right' washed over me. My subconcious must have giggled at the recognition of that familiar feeling, it continued to play on my mind for the rest of the afternoon. Wouldnt that be funny, boyfriend only moved up here to join me a few weeks ago, and I get knocked up right off the bat! Nah! Like that would happen. I was using a little natural family planning, the pink pad (TM) application on my android phone told me my fertile days and I had avoided intimacy. Then I checked the application settings and noticed it was using averages, and having only recorded one cycle, it wasnt really accurate. I had been fertile the week prior, and busy doing what bunnies do. But still, after the whole methotrexate fiasco I doubted my parts would work, they hadnt managed to in the last 3 years. So I felt a little queasy, and had been nodding off in the afternoon, I was mildly crampy and due in a day or two, PMS just does its thing like that. Till the day my breasts were tender, which is common during PMS, I know, but not for me. I flicked a quick text to my BFF, we had been dealing with each others menstrual symptoms for years.. we may as well have shared a uterus. She told me to pee on a stick. So I did. It was negative, I told myself I knew it would be.
They say to never read a test after 10 mins, so why I looked at it the next morning I have no idea, but I did. And there was the slightest 2nd line.Must be a vapour line, ignore it.
Trusty BFF advised me to test again, so the next day I did, early morning urine. Waiting, waiting, waiting, nah thats only one line. I nudged the sleeping male, "its negative", and continued to get the kids ready for school. Returning to the room to get the car keys, I glanced at the test again, is that a shadow? or a vapour line? what are the odds of two vapour lines in a row? could it be a faint positive? maybe I should see a doctor. I got an appointment for 9am. The doctor tested again, another faint positive. "A faint positive is still a positive" she tells me, and orders the first bloodtests.
So, it begins...
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Of course I did.
Only I could forget the email sign in for my blog. brilliant.
And then, forget the password.
All sorted now, and boy do I have a thing or two to say.
And then, forget the password.
All sorted now, and boy do I have a thing or two to say.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Trial and Error and Error and Error and Error
Everyone has different brain chemistry, which means there are many varying treatments for psychological disorders. Finding a medication that helps you achieve the most out of your abilities is often a matter of trial and error. I've been on and off the the trial and error wagon for over a decade.
I spent the last month taking my SSRI religiously, and avoided the Seroquel except for a few nights when I couldn't afford the insomnia. Still the anxiety intensified. Now I'm not one to have panic attacks often or suffer the physiological effects of anxiety. The dark clouds of depression however were looming over me, the months were getting colder and the space i had between this rock and that hard place was getting smaller and smaller. I had a fair few episodes, of racing heart beat and shaking. Knowing what is coming, knowing I'm not on medication to keep it at bay, and knowing that I'm alone and have dependants and not knowing how long the waiting list to see a Psychiatrist I'm on is, the anxiety continued. The instant the appointment card arrived in the mail, it was llike the fever had broken.
Seeing Dr Mathews again, was exactly as I expected, he ordered blood tests and suggested a new medication. Set a review for a month and sent me on my way.
Now the sense of impending doom returns. How will I react to this drug? What happens if it seriously impairs me? Who will be there for my children? How many more drugs is it going to take to find the right one? Will i be better or worse? Can I even get better? What kind of help do I actually need? Where the hell do I find it?
I spent the last month taking my SSRI religiously, and avoided the Seroquel except for a few nights when I couldn't afford the insomnia. Still the anxiety intensified. Now I'm not one to have panic attacks often or suffer the physiological effects of anxiety. The dark clouds of depression however were looming over me, the months were getting colder and the space i had between this rock and that hard place was getting smaller and smaller. I had a fair few episodes, of racing heart beat and shaking. Knowing what is coming, knowing I'm not on medication to keep it at bay, and knowing that I'm alone and have dependants and not knowing how long the waiting list to see a Psychiatrist I'm on is, the anxiety continued. The instant the appointment card arrived in the mail, it was llike the fever had broken.
Seeing Dr Mathews again, was exactly as I expected, he ordered blood tests and suggested a new medication. Set a review for a month and sent me on my way.
Now the sense of impending doom returns. How will I react to this drug? What happens if it seriously impairs me? Who will be there for my children? How many more drugs is it going to take to find the right one? Will i be better or worse? Can I even get better? What kind of help do I actually need? Where the hell do I find it?
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Pharmacutical Cocktail Anyone?
I have been medicated for 14 years now, and still have not found a treatment that makes me "well"
At 14 I was prescribed Prozac for an “adult” depression. This drug dulled the edges of my entire life; I didn’t even feel like I was participating in my own life. It also came with inexplicable pyromaniac tendencies.
By 16 I still suffered from depression, not being too keen to try Prozac again; I asked my doctor if we could explore the possibility that this was more than just depression. Considering my father is Bipolar. So one day some people from some government funded youth mental health agency visited. Spoke to me and my mother. They assessed that I could do with therapy, but that was about all. I was sent to “interactive drawing therapy”, ($75 an hour to draw with crayons and tell them how crap you feel, seeing as you’re depressed n all)
After the birth of my second child, and an unfortunate few years leading up to... I was 19, and fell into a terrible depression. My midwife assessed it as post natal depression and I was prescribed a drug I can’t recall the name of, it was an antidepressant, but very sedative. No good when you have a newborn.
3 months later I had my first hypo manic episode. It lasted about 3 weeks. I would be awake for 3 days then sleep for 3 hours then awake for another 3 days. By the time I was taken to a doctor(my behaviour was noticeable by others) , I was experiencing decreased need for sleep (e.g., feels rested after only 3 hours of sleep) I was extremely talkative and the pressure to keep talking was causing me to be disruptive. I was distractible, my thoughts raced and there had been more than enough involvement in pleasurable activities that had a high potential for painful consequences. I was prescribed a sleeping pill, which they only gave me 1 week at a time.
3 months after that I was hospitalised for a breakdown. I was under close supervision in the hospital for 3 weeks. Spoke to half a dozen doctors. I was then discharged to the community mental health clinic. That psychiatrists diagnoses was a mild bipolar or cyclothymia . Her prescription was Aropax 20 mg. After a month on this medication I felt slightly similar to just prior to my hypomanic episode, I alerted my psychiatrist that i was concerned it was making me “too happy”, she changed my dose to 40mg. (I have no idea why she thought that was a good idea). On the higher dose, I was 3 feet of the ground at all times. I attempted to overdose on Aropax.
At 20, I was prescribed my first “mood stabiliser” Epilum (sodium valproate). This purple pill made me feel eerie and almost zombie. I was a spectator in my own life. I physically felt the drug dependency pre-dose. Used with citalopram, my mood, motivation and concentration weren’t any better. The therapy and reiki didn’t heal much either.
At 22, I gave up on medical treatments. Decided that I did not need medication, it was not helping me. I made a lot of changes to my environment. I dissociated from “toxic” people. Completely moved countries. Ate better, quit smoking. I took the approach that environment and physiological aspects would be more effective in feeling well.. forget any genetic predisposition to failing with my brain chemistry.
In hindsight the 18 months I spent overseas I can I was hypomanic. When I left I thought I was in a good place, I felt great! In reality I was 99 lbs/42 kg. And from this great high, I fell a great distance.
I experienced a very deep depression with self harm and more hypersomnia than ever before the very first winter I was back. After months of darkness, I was able to admit to myself that this wasn’t something I could fix, and saw a doctor. Now at 24 I started Lithium treatment. In the first 3 months I gained 20 kgs. The tremors lasted 4 months. I felt level for the first time, my mood did not swing dramatically. I was level, but still below par. My doctor added citalopram to my prescription. The citalopram caused bone deep nausea which subsided after 5 weeks or so, hiccups (especially first thing in the AM) this issue never resolved. After a year of this treatment, mentally I was in a better place than I could ever recall experiencing. My wellness was noted by others. But physically my digestive tract had packed it. IBS type illness debilitated me. I would require anti spasmotics and anti nausea medication by injection. Even after changing the lithium to an extended release dose. Ultimately, I had to abandon the lithium all together.
I remained unmedicated for a year, I sought help after I couldn’t shake the dark thoughts (like, maybe I just won’t take this next bend and plummet off the cliff face.) This psychiatrist, a psychiatric nurse and I discussed at length my state of mind, ‘symptoms’ and possible treatments.
There was mention of perhaps due to my life experience my unwellness may be caused by post traumatic stress disorder. To which I pointed out that I do not care what label they wish to give it, I would just like to find a treatment that helps me function. Having tried a few anti depressants, anti convulsants and lithium.. Is there anything that works? Where to from here? Anti psychotics.
I started on 300mg of seroquel; and slept for a month. I came out of this to gorgeous summer weather and was feeling pretty good. But another 3 months on, I was no longer feeling good. The only thing that had been treated was the insomnia; I lost 12 hours a day to being sedated. For a drug that has a 7 hour half life, it sure took a while to shake. And I twitched, and now often walk into door frames or knock into things (as if my arms were longer than I realised?). I often experienced numbing of the hands and forearms. I felt lethargic and deeply soul scarringly unhappy.
6 months from starting the seroquel, I felt heavy my brain was foggy, the addition of citalopram now meant that I was deathly nauseas as well. Once the nausea subsided the lethargy did not. I found myself skipping doses of seroquel in order to get things done. Another 6 months on, I expressed the effect the sedation was having on my life. Feeling lethargic, lacking motivation and concentration. My dose was lowered to 100 mg for a month, at the end of which I still felt low and lethargic. My brain felt a little less foggy, but this only irritated me as I in my head wanted to get things done but physically couldn’t summon the energy or will to do other than the bare necessities for survival. My mind was alive, but my body was out to it. The dose was then lowered again, to 50 mg. The issue I see with this situation is, if clinical dose is 300 mg, what is 50 mg worth? A heavy duty sleeping pill without the addiction risk? But we do what the doctors tell us, it’s called compliance and it’s necessary to find an effect treatment. This lasted for 6 weeks. Then I began to take the seroquel less and less.
This brings me to where i am, at 28, taking citalopram 40mg daily, and a multivitamin and mineral supplement. I take 25 mg of seroquel if I have insomnia with racing thoughts, and can’t afford to sleep in the next day.I have difficulty waking with or without the sedative. I still lack motivation, energy and have trouble concentrating. I still experience moodswings, predominantly lows which I use various ‘coping skills’ to deal with.
So what do i do now? What is the next treatment option? Or is this treatment resistant depression?
At 14 I was prescribed Prozac for an “adult” depression. This drug dulled the edges of my entire life; I didn’t even feel like I was participating in my own life. It also came with inexplicable pyromaniac tendencies.
By 16 I still suffered from depression, not being too keen to try Prozac again; I asked my doctor if we could explore the possibility that this was more than just depression. Considering my father is Bipolar. So one day some people from some government funded youth mental health agency visited. Spoke to me and my mother. They assessed that I could do with therapy, but that was about all. I was sent to “interactive drawing therapy”, ($75 an hour to draw with crayons and tell them how crap you feel, seeing as you’re depressed n all)
After the birth of my second child, and an unfortunate few years leading up to... I was 19, and fell into a terrible depression. My midwife assessed it as post natal depression and I was prescribed a drug I can’t recall the name of, it was an antidepressant, but very sedative. No good when you have a newborn.
3 months later I had my first hypo manic episode. It lasted about 3 weeks. I would be awake for 3 days then sleep for 3 hours then awake for another 3 days. By the time I was taken to a doctor(my behaviour was noticeable by others) , I was experiencing decreased need for sleep (e.g., feels rested after only 3 hours of sleep) I was extremely talkative and the pressure to keep talking was causing me to be disruptive. I was distractible, my thoughts raced and there had been more than enough involvement in pleasurable activities that had a high potential for painful consequences. I was prescribed a sleeping pill, which they only gave me 1 week at a time.
3 months after that I was hospitalised for a breakdown. I was under close supervision in the hospital for 3 weeks. Spoke to half a dozen doctors. I was then discharged to the community mental health clinic. That psychiatrists diagnoses was a mild bipolar or cyclothymia . Her prescription was Aropax 20 mg. After a month on this medication I felt slightly similar to just prior to my hypomanic episode, I alerted my psychiatrist that i was concerned it was making me “too happy”, she changed my dose to 40mg. (I have no idea why she thought that was a good idea). On the higher dose, I was 3 feet of the ground at all times. I attempted to overdose on Aropax.
At 20, I was prescribed my first “mood stabiliser” Epilum (sodium valproate). This purple pill made me feel eerie and almost zombie. I was a spectator in my own life. I physically felt the drug dependency pre-dose. Used with citalopram, my mood, motivation and concentration weren’t any better. The therapy and reiki didn’t heal much either.
At 22, I gave up on medical treatments. Decided that I did not need medication, it was not helping me. I made a lot of changes to my environment. I dissociated from “toxic” people. Completely moved countries. Ate better, quit smoking. I took the approach that environment and physiological aspects would be more effective in feeling well.. forget any genetic predisposition to failing with my brain chemistry.
In hindsight the 18 months I spent overseas I can I was hypomanic. When I left I thought I was in a good place, I felt great! In reality I was 99 lbs/42 kg. And from this great high, I fell a great distance.
I experienced a very deep depression with self harm and more hypersomnia than ever before the very first winter I was back. After months of darkness, I was able to admit to myself that this wasn’t something I could fix, and saw a doctor. Now at 24 I started Lithium treatment. In the first 3 months I gained 20 kgs. The tremors lasted 4 months. I felt level for the first time, my mood did not swing dramatically. I was level, but still below par. My doctor added citalopram to my prescription. The citalopram caused bone deep nausea which subsided after 5 weeks or so, hiccups (especially first thing in the AM) this issue never resolved. After a year of this treatment, mentally I was in a better place than I could ever recall experiencing. My wellness was noted by others. But physically my digestive tract had packed it. IBS type illness debilitated me. I would require anti spasmotics and anti nausea medication by injection. Even after changing the lithium to an extended release dose. Ultimately, I had to abandon the lithium all together.
I remained unmedicated for a year, I sought help after I couldn’t shake the dark thoughts (like, maybe I just won’t take this next bend and plummet off the cliff face.) This psychiatrist, a psychiatric nurse and I discussed at length my state of mind, ‘symptoms’ and possible treatments.
There was mention of perhaps due to my life experience my unwellness may be caused by post traumatic stress disorder. To which I pointed out that I do not care what label they wish to give it, I would just like to find a treatment that helps me function. Having tried a few anti depressants, anti convulsants and lithium.. Is there anything that works? Where to from here? Anti psychotics.
I started on 300mg of seroquel; and slept for a month. I came out of this to gorgeous summer weather and was feeling pretty good. But another 3 months on, I was no longer feeling good. The only thing that had been treated was the insomnia; I lost 12 hours a day to being sedated. For a drug that has a 7 hour half life, it sure took a while to shake. And I twitched, and now often walk into door frames or knock into things (as if my arms were longer than I realised?). I often experienced numbing of the hands and forearms. I felt lethargic and deeply soul scarringly unhappy.
6 months from starting the seroquel, I felt heavy my brain was foggy, the addition of citalopram now meant that I was deathly nauseas as well. Once the nausea subsided the lethargy did not. I found myself skipping doses of seroquel in order to get things done. Another 6 months on, I expressed the effect the sedation was having on my life. Feeling lethargic, lacking motivation and concentration. My dose was lowered to 100 mg for a month, at the end of which I still felt low and lethargic. My brain felt a little less foggy, but this only irritated me as I in my head wanted to get things done but physically couldn’t summon the energy or will to do other than the bare necessities for survival. My mind was alive, but my body was out to it. The dose was then lowered again, to 50 mg. The issue I see with this situation is, if clinical dose is 300 mg, what is 50 mg worth? A heavy duty sleeping pill without the addiction risk? But we do what the doctors tell us, it’s called compliance and it’s necessary to find an effect treatment. This lasted for 6 weeks. Then I began to take the seroquel less and less.
This brings me to where i am, at 28, taking citalopram 40mg daily, and a multivitamin and mineral supplement. I take 25 mg of seroquel if I have insomnia with racing thoughts, and can’t afford to sleep in the next day.I have difficulty waking with or without the sedative. I still lack motivation, energy and have trouble concentrating. I still experience moodswings, predominantly lows which I use various ‘coping skills’ to deal with.
So what do i do now? What is the next treatment option? Or is this treatment resistant depression?
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Women, under 30, attractive,smart with no issues... YEAH RIGHT!
So, I'll start this off with putting out there, who I am, and what it is I intend to be rambling on about here.
I'm a sole parent of two fantastic children, a 10 y.o daughter and a 9 y.o son. I was a Teen Parent, graduated High School 8 months pregnant with my daughter in 1999, and conceived my son just a couple of months after her birth. Seperated from their father when I was 6 weeks pregnant with our 2nd child. He has had 4 more children since, My children incidently have no idea who their father is or about the existance of their half siblings.
I've been studying towards a Bachelor of Applied Science (Psychology & Communication double major) on and off for some time. My health gives me alot of stop and starts. This year I am taking classes in Social & Individual Psychology, Research Methods and Interpretation, Interpersonal Communication and Counselling Theory.
We survive, just barely and unfortunately, on welfare. This makes for a dismal existence, only being provided with just enough money to stay alive, which happens to be nowhere near enough to live. My supplementary income comes from being a reliever teacher in early childhood. Currently I work with a childcare centre that caters to teen parents who are continuing their education, a cause I am personally passionate about. This is casual on call position, relieving isn't often steady work.
And then theres the six shades of crazy. It is also my genetic misfortune to live with Bipolar. After years of depression as a teenager, I was diagnosed with Bipolar II after a breakdown when I was 19, this was followed by years of denial and non compliance, then years of complaince with a bitter essence of almost acceptance and numerous trial and error treatments. I am still on the journey to find a treatment that helps me function closer to my full ability. A journey that has brought me here....
I'm a sole parent of two fantastic children, a 10 y.o daughter and a 9 y.o son. I was a Teen Parent, graduated High School 8 months pregnant with my daughter in 1999, and conceived my son just a couple of months after her birth. Seperated from their father when I was 6 weeks pregnant with our 2nd child. He has had 4 more children since, My children incidently have no idea who their father is or about the existance of their half siblings.
I've been studying towards a Bachelor of Applied Science (Psychology & Communication double major) on and off for some time. My health gives me alot of stop and starts. This year I am taking classes in Social & Individual Psychology, Research Methods and Interpretation, Interpersonal Communication and Counselling Theory.
We survive, just barely and unfortunately, on welfare. This makes for a dismal existence, only being provided with just enough money to stay alive, which happens to be nowhere near enough to live. My supplementary income comes from being a reliever teacher in early childhood. Currently I work with a childcare centre that caters to teen parents who are continuing their education, a cause I am personally passionate about. This is casual on call position, relieving isn't often steady work.
And then theres the six shades of crazy. It is also my genetic misfortune to live with Bipolar. After years of depression as a teenager, I was diagnosed with Bipolar II after a breakdown when I was 19, this was followed by years of denial and non compliance, then years of complaince with a bitter essence of almost acceptance and numerous trial and error treatments. I am still on the journey to find a treatment that helps me function closer to my full ability. A journey that has brought me here....
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